Living without him

While there's no question I could never live without God in my life, I often these days question whether I can live without my husband in my life. I hear of wives who have lost their husbands to death and I grieve for them and know I would feel guilt if that were to happen to me. When I think of my sister-in-law, who didn't choose divorce, I feel for her and wish I could take away her heartbreak. But when I think of my marriage, I sometimes just want out. I just want it to be over. I just want us both to walk away and forget it ever was. So, recently, I told him I wanted him to move out. I told him I needed space. He told me he would leave for the weekend. And anytime I needed space, he would leave for the weekend. This was not the answer I wanted. I agreed to give it a try. He left on Friday night. I told him I would be home to see him off. He didn't leave until 7, and I left at the same time to get some dinner and do some shopping. I guess I forgot about my social anxiety. I went through the drive-through and went back home to eat. Saturday, sice I didn't shop on Friday, I planned on shopping. I sat at home and watched Netflix most of the day. I did some house cleaning, but mostly watched TV. I finally showered and went to get dinner around 6:30 that night, once again going through the drive-through and taking it home. Texting with Chuck that night, I asked him to be home in time for dinner Sunday night. I did want to get up and go shopping on Sunday, but really didn't know if it would happen. I got up and took a shower earlier, but still did not leave the house. I have apologized to Chuck, and feel I will continue to apologize for asking hm to move out. He has said if I need him to leave for a weekend, that's what he will do, but he's not moving out. I feel like he has shown me, again, he's not giving up on me. We'll see if this works for us me, and if not, we'll try something else.

Living on a Prayer

After praying for years for a sign to show me what I should do to "fix" my marriage, nothing seems to be working. Counseling seems to be getting us nowhere. The book and video series we tried helped some at first, but petered out halfway through. Sometimes I feel I am the problem, other times I feel he is the problem. Many times I have felt we need to live apart in order to get back on track, because when we are apart, I do miss him. When I do things without him, I think of things I want to tell him or things I want to share with him. But I also think of his reactions to things. In my mind, he doesn't like the same things I like, so even when I share things wih him, he doesn't react the way I thought he would. And that disappoints me, and I get upset, and I can't put into words why I'm upset, so I just stew and nothing is said and things never get better. Then, when we talk, I bring up these tiny things that don't seem to matter, but they've piled up for so many years, they do matter. I continue to pray and seek guidance about my marriage. All I know for certain is, I don't feel like I can continue to live with him, but I'm not sure I can let him go.