Living without him

While there's no question I could never live without God in my life, I often these days question whether I can live without my husband in my life. I hear of wives who have lost their husbands to death and I grieve for them and know I would feel guilt if that were to happen to me. When I think of my sister-in-law, who didn't choose divorce, I feel for her and wish I could take away her heartbreak. But when I think of my marriage, I sometimes just want out. I just want it to be over. I just want us both to walk away and forget it ever was. So, recently, I told him I wanted him to move out. I told him I needed space. He told me he would leave for the weekend. And anytime I needed space, he would leave for the weekend. This was not the answer I wanted. I agreed to give it a try. He left on Friday night. I told him I would be home to see him off. He didn't leave until 7, and I left at the same time to get some dinner and do some shopping. I guess I forgot about my social anxiety. I went through the drive-through and went back home to eat. Saturday, sice I didn't shop on Friday, I planned on shopping. I sat at home and watched Netflix most of the day. I did some house cleaning, but mostly watched TV. I finally showered and went to get dinner around 6:30 that night, once again going through the drive-through and taking it home. Texting with Chuck that night, I asked him to be home in time for dinner Sunday night. I did want to get up and go shopping on Sunday, but really didn't know if it would happen. I got up and took a shower earlier, but still did not leave the house. I have apologized to Chuck, and feel I will continue to apologize for asking hm to move out. He has said if I need him to leave for a weekend, that's what he will do, but he's not moving out. I feel like he has shown me, again, he's not giving up on me. We'll see if this works for us me, and if not, we'll try something else.

Living on a Prayer

After praying for years for a sign to show me what I should do to "fix" my marriage, nothing seems to be working. Counseling seems to be getting us nowhere. The book and video series we tried helped some at first, but petered out halfway through. Sometimes I feel I am the problem, other times I feel he is the problem. Many times I have felt we need to live apart in order to get back on track, because when we are apart, I do miss him. When I do things without him, I think of things I want to tell him or things I want to share with him. But I also think of his reactions to things. In my mind, he doesn't like the same things I like, so even when I share things wih him, he doesn't react the way I thought he would. And that disappoints me, and I get upset, and I can't put into words why I'm upset, so I just stew and nothing is said and things never get better. Then, when we talk, I bring up these tiny things that don't seem to matter, but they've piled up for so many years, they do matter. I continue to pray and seek guidance about my marriage. All I know for certain is, I don't feel like I can continue to live with him, but I'm not sure I can let him go.

Learning to listen

Several years ago, I felt envy when I realized that people really did hear God speak to them and tell them what they should do. While I listened with my ears, I didn't listen with my heart and never heard Him when He spoke to me. I was so excited the first time I heard Him, and couldn't wait to follow His wisdom. I learned to listen with my heart and waited for His next lesson for me. Last week, I realized I have been arguing with Him. Can you imagine? Me, a woman of God, who craves His wisdom, prays, and is learning to share His love, arguing with Him. I guess it's a matter of me thinking I know what I want, even when He knows what I need. How many times in my life have I said "No, I'm not going to do that, I don't feel like it, I don't have time, I don't want to do it," only to realize that He is the ultimate truth and the greatest voice, and He will not give up on me, no matter how stubborn I am. It's wonderful to realize this about me, and about Him, and to learn to listen to what He's telling me, to learn to do what He asks of me, no matter my excuse for not doing it. Just last week, while I was telling Him I was too tired to go to Bible Study (when really I was lacking the confidence to walk into a situation I had never been in before with a group of woman I did not know), I clearly heard Him tell me I needed to turn left, toward the church, even as I was in the right turn lane. Reflecting back on that, I feel like a ten year old as I remember saying "Fine! I'll go, but if I don't like it, I"m not going back." He put me in a group with a woman who had just separated from her husband, a woman who educates middle school children, a woman whose oldest child is having a difficult time right now, and the teacher of the group, who works with married couples through the church with the help of her husband. I can't wait until this week when I will meet more of the women in the group who were absent last week. I know they will have wisdom for me, and perhaps even need my wisdom in their lives right now. It's been so great to realize that even as I struggle with my life choices, there are others out there who can benefit from what I have to offer today. I do not have to learn more or experience more or get it "right" in order to pray for someone. I don't have to take more classes or get a degree in order to give someone a hug or tell them they are special. I need to spend more time doing these things in order to learn that I have a lot to offer. I am worthwhile, I am loved and most of all, I am needed. Thank you, Lord, for giving me this outlet to praise you and reflect on your teachings. May Your blessings be abundant in my life and the lives of the people around me. May I learn to spread Your Word to every person I interact with in my daily life, and may Your hand always lead me (and I promise to learn to listen and stop arguing so much). Amen.